not brave enough, pt 2

i’m still not brave enough. and i’m paying for it.

yes, i’m whiny. yes, i’m a coward. yes, i totally deserve it.

i don’t need a troll for this post. i can be my own troll.

oh.

you might think you know what i mean. you might be smug, thinking, hey i’m one of the select few lishun chose to divulge information about “it” in. but no, it’s not just about that. i’m not as shallow as that, even if i think myself exasperatingly stupid sometimes.

there are some circumstances where you have no choice but to step up. for example, i have difficulty being shameless. i care about what people think, and for that some people have been frustrated by how sensitive i can be. however, i was recently thrust into a position where i have no other option other than to be shameless and call up huge companies to ask them for money/merchandise. so that’s the end of that.

there are much more situations where the choice to walk away or take up the challenge is available. i talk about having no regrets and sticking to a decision once i’ve made one, but it’s hard not to be even a *little* wistful at the times when i chose to be a coward and let go.

never underestimate the crushing power of “whatifs“.

i am not looking forward to december, because it means having to depend more and more on God and, unfortunately, it’s still not easy for me. i’m not looking forward to january, because it means having to say goodbye. i am not anticipating february, because it means i have to deal with a difficult situation that i have been avoiding for the last year. i do not wish for march to come, because it marks yet another beginning, another season.

i am not ready and i am still alone in my quest to reach my dreams, now that i know what they are. the support is great, and i know i will never be in want for love but i need someone to pace me in this race, and i hate myself for being so discontent in a land of plenty. so angry at wanting more than what i already have.

it’s so ridiculous and illogical that it makes me cry.

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