wrestlin’

“so jacob was left alone, and a Man wrestled with him till daybreak. when the Man saw that He could not overpower him, He touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the Man. then the Man said, ‘let Me go, for it is daybreak.’ but jacob replied, ‘i will not let You go unless You bless me.’ then He blessed him there.”
genesis 32:24-26, 29

first of all, i’m very thankful for being a sponsored student. my parents aren’t exactly young and to embark on a journey in medicine at their expense would mean taking a huge huge chunk of the money they’ve saved for their retirement fund, selling whatever little property they’ve set aside for my sister and me, and leaving me with debts that i will have to bear for most of my life.

so it is with great caution, after all that has happened in the past, that i gave another thought to appealling for a chance to do my clinical years overseas instead of at imu seremban. it seems so greedy, so ungrateful, to ask for more when i already have so much to be thankful for…doesn’t it?

when i first shared with charlene that i had no idea what i’m supposed to do about it, she said to me, “wrestle with God, like how jacob did. don’t let go until He blesses you.” i was flabbergasted. doesn’t that seem terribly…proud? asking God to bless my ways and not have faith in His plans?

at the time, i felt it was wrong because i didn’t even have a single inclination, despite the prayers, as to whether or not God intends for me to stay in malaysia or go overseas. preferably australia. because that was promised to me first, before i screwed it all up.

however, last week i found myself reading alot about abraham and isaac and jacob while i was doing my daily devotions.

i was struck by abraham’s patience and faith in the promise of a son to be his heir. he waited 25 years for isaac, made mistakes along the way, God kept silent from him for 13 years because of hagar and ishmael; but he waited, and was rewarded.

and again, after the story of isaac, jacob and esau, came that passage about wrestling with God.

last night, the church brought up that passage, but not applying it to wrestling with God until He blesses us. it was more about making an effort to encounter God, not ceasing our prayers and praises until we experience God.

it was then that i realised that all the while, when i was praying and praying for God to reveal whether or not He wants me to stay close to my parents or experience a different culture, that He had already revealed what He intends for me to do.

i am going to struggle and i am going to wrestle and i am going to do everything i possibly can, because no matter what the outcome, the effort will result in a blessing from God. there is no indication at all as to whether or not my appeals will be successful, but the result of the appeals is not the main point – the process is.

at the moment, i am relatively calm about my finals, which commence tomorrow. i am done bargaining with God by saying, “if i get an A, i’ll appeal. if i don’t, i won’t because there’s no point anyway.” i’m not going to do that anymore. i will appeal, regardless of how i do (as long as i don’t fail la, of course!).

i will wrestle, and He will bless me…this i know because He said so.

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