just what is it that really holds us down, makes us afraid to do something that may shake things up, turn our lives around? is it our reliance on what we can or cannot do, a lack of faith, love of comfort, complacency? i mean, what drives people to take chances? God? love? an overwhelming desire for improvement?
i am so utterly terrified of writing that letter, faxing my results slip and calling “them” up that i have procrastinated doing what, months ago, i was so convicted to do. i’ve made up every excuse possible to not do it. i’ve even rationalised things so much so that i’ve convinced myself that it’s “alright“, that i can still make the best out of things, that since i have good friends and a loving family…that’s all i need.
i apologise to God in my prayers every night. i say i’m sorry for being so weak and faithless and so unbelieving that everything is below Him, that He overcomes all. i thank Him for being faithful where my faith has failed me, and i admit that i am humbled and shamed for being so human and undeserving of His love.
but i never did commit my situation to Him and really just go for it, eventhough He has already told me to, got my friends to encourage me to, and assured me that i will not regret giving it a go.
i am just so so scared.
they say that faith never comes easy, but somehow i have always felt like it should. why should it be hard? i know who God is, i know His power and His goodness. i understand the full reality of what following Him means and i am moved enough to want to follow Him anyway.
so why why why why why do i still feel so afraid?
the kind of anger and frustration and disappointment and shame that i am feeling now is indescribable. it’s not directed at anyone but myself and i don’t blame God for anything. i’m just so upset at my own limitations and my human faithlessness, so angry at myself.
i can’t move. i’m holding myself down. i’m just so angry!