in solitude

in solitude, things either become increasingly confusing or much clearer than before.

i went down to the beach last evening, all by myself. i spent a long time just looking out into the ocean, salt accumulating where the waves broke against my shins, and i thought how the sea is the epitome of both freedom and death. freedom because once you sail out into the open ocean, the world is yours. the water is never ending, the depths below reaching for miles. yet countless have died by the wrath of water and even outer space is better understood than the mystery of the ocean.

later that night, or rather in the wee hours of this morning, i walked halfway down the path leading towards the beach, lay myself down on the stony road, my bag as a pillow, and gazed at the sky. it was littered with stars that formed constellations i could not name, and i was filled with awe. the city lights where i live mask the brilliance that fills the dark velvet sky each night, depriving me of the the simple pleasure of star-gazing, so much so that my heart ached for the times i missed the stars.

something came over me as i lay there looking at the stars. i burst into tears and cried while i prayed for something that i did not know. i had become increasingly irritable and moody throughout the day for unknown reasons. it felt like i was preoccupied with finding something that isn’t there, to the extent of dismissing God as just another element of life and not life itself.

the time i spent alone with the ocean earlier in the day reminded me of how near we are to heaven, if only we recognised that God’s grace is sufficient for all. it is as seamless a relationship as the joining of sea and sky at the horizon. how sufficient is it? how big is God? as big as the light years between the multitude of twinkling stars that appear in the sky, and bigger still.

initially i felt confused and angry because i was alone. my thoughts ran wild without the supervision of another pair of eyes, another pair of lips. the freedom the ocean offered me allowed me to rationalise and adopt my own philosophy…which didn’t make sense, of course. there is only so much thinking one can do in the couple of minutes i spent in silent commune with the water.

but as i lay on the hard, stony ground, nothing but the stars above me, everything fell into place.

i still have not much of an idea as to why i felt so irritable yesterday and today. blame it on the hormones or the possibility that there are things that i’m not telling you…i am at peace now, at least far more at peace than before. i thank God for that.

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