“dancin’ little marionette
are you happy now?
where do you go when you’re lonely?
i’ll follow you
when the stars go blue“
– when the stars go blue by ryan adams
stars. marionette. dancing.
it’s the imu ball tonight. for some reason, i am reminded of the disaster that was my secondary school prom. the committee collected an extra RM10 at the door, i wore (on hindsight) a horrible dress, my too-short straightened hair made me look like a polly rag doll and i spent the night watching my pseudo-date covet girls in nude, backless dresses with his eyes.
i didn’t take many photographs that night. i can only hope tonight will be different.
whenever i hear ryan adams’ haunting vocals sing about dancing marionettes in wooden shoes and wedding gowns, i think about my childhood expectations of how my life would be when i’m older.
did i grow up wearing a pretty mask each day? am i weighed down by heavy issues, heavy shoes? i am so trained to the choreography shaped by the world that when i go about my daily life, i do it as one who is accustomed to drudgery, pretense and putting up a shield.
am i happy now?
sometimes, i am so pms-y that i piss even myself off.