the reason why

the trouble with being someone who enjoys a healthy dose of solitude and thinks too much for her own good is that i rationalise alot.

when things happen to me, i spend alot of time figuring them out myself. i use logic, experience, prayer, advice…whatever may be helpful in justifying or explaining the circumstances i’m in. it’s an internal struggle, internal debate. at the end of it all, i feel like i’ve discussed every angle of it enough with myself and God that if i were to talk about it with someone else, it’d be like watching reruns on the telly.

that’s the reason why i find it so hard to talk to people about…anything at all. anything significant, anyway. anything that would really show how i feel about things, or about them.

i woke up this morning to this gem from suann‘s blog:

how do you expect someone to feel comfortable with you if you make them feel like a stranger?

it reminded me of the relationships i had with my friends from school, back when someone described me as “someone i felt comfortable with“. we didn’t just share gossip or tease each other or narrate the events of the day the way i do with my friends now. i remember talking about our dreams over a bowl of claypot mee. i remember calling up a friend, crying, when i first found out i had made that mistake.

what changed? why do i now weep alone in my car or under the stars instead of on the shoulder of someone i trust? why can’t i even trust anyone anymore? it’s not as if there’s a lack of good people around me. what changed?

rationalising has enabled me to put things into perspective, stay positive, and ask “what now, God?” instead of “why have You done this to me?” but it has also cost me friendships, relationships that i will possibly regret not working on in the future.

*edit*
10. lishun | April 23rd, 2007 at 8:54 am
this post made me feel like such a fool for thinking that it’s best for me to distance my friends…for what reason i would think that, i have no idea.

16. pinkpau | April 23rd, 2007 at 6:13 pm
lishun : i always got that vibe from u, like ur reluctant to let people in. well that makes it so hard for your friends then doesnt it?

sigh

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