so. i should be learning to let people in, right? fine, i shouldn’t be doing that on my blog, but i’m learning. plus, through my blog, i don’t have to care if people are really listening or if they really want to know. they have the choice to find out. they can choose whether or not to click the little red “X” at the top of their browsers or think a little more about what i’ve written or whether they want to leave a comment.

it’s the really chicken way of letting people in, letting my guard down, and it indicates no change whatsoever because i’ve been doing it for years…but bear with me. i still have expectations for people who ask “how are you?“. do you want to know the real answer? are you prepared to share a little bit of me? talking about what really matters to me, what’s really on my mind, my conversations with God…those are akin to me laying my soul down on the table for you to pick at at your pleasure.

are you really prepared for that? can you live up to my expectations?

so i’m still hiding behind my blog. don’t judge me. i’m working on bite-sized pieces.

and here’s one:

everytime i call him, i pray that it’s busy or there’s no answer. because the alternative, of him or his assistant answering the call and me talking about the letter the fax the situation, scares me to death. i’ve tried praying, i’ve tried everything short of bursting into tears while telling a well-wisher about it and subsequently scaring the unwilling listener away…and it still scares me to death.

i didn’t get an answer today. i hate that i felt relieved when i put the phone down.


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