“david said to his servants, “is the child dead?”
and they said, “he is dead.” so david arose from the ground, washed and anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. then he went to his own house; and when he requested, they set food before him, and he ate. then his servants said to him, “what is this that you have done? you fasted and wept for the child while he was alive, but when the child died, you arose and ate food.”
and he said, “while the child was alive, i fasted and wept; for i said, ‘who can tell whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ but now he is dead; why should i fast? can i bring him back again? i shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.”“
– 2 samuel 12:19-23
the verdict is in: i will be in malaysia for a long, long time.
i suppose a part of me is disappointed, yet another part is absolutely relieved that it’s finally over. the letter that came in through my mailbox today is the full stop. there will, of course, be emotional blackmail in the coming months – so they’ll remember me, remember the next time some similarly unfortunate soul comes along – but the truth of the matter is i’m done. don’t try and make me hope otherwise.
life just goes on after the fasting and weeping. can mourning overturn the verdict and send me away from these shores?
although i am sore that throughout the entire process God never gave an inkling as to what to expect, i still praise Him for putting my growth before my comfort. i thank Him for reminding me who He is and how He works. i am grateful for the lessons learned and the burns that came with them. i thank Him for a family that understands and friends who are ever patient and supportive.
anyway, i’m doing fine. i’ll just keep making my grades and doing my best. God forbid if anyone feels sorry for me or feel it’s a shame. i find no shame in giving my all under any circumstances, in continuing my role in God’s plans.
like david, i will move on and keep looking to the hills from whence my strength is from.