whatever

built a wall around my heart
i’ll never let it fall apart
but strangely i wish secretly
it would fall down when i’m asleep
nothing lasts forever by maroon 5

what keeps me sane when i’m in these moods is the knowledge of the theory of the fact (tautology, anyone?) that i’m not the only one who feels like this. gone is the teenage girl who thought the world revolved around me and that no one can possibly understand me, that i’m the only one who gets insecure, gets unjustifiably worried and neurotic. it’s perfectly normal and it means i have no right to judge others who have their own little breakdowns.

of course, knowing all that doesn’t make me feel any better – it just retains my ability to function, to get out of bed, drive to a coffee joint, sit myself down for 2 hours and study. it means i can smile at the family that goes for breakfast at that cafe every sunday morning and guess how old their daughter is (she can walk on her own – definitely at least 18 months old).

yeah there’s a wall around my heart and i guard it fiercely. only Jesus has broken through, but that’s because He’s the only one who has ever wanted to. or tried hard enough, anyway.

sigh. i dunnola i dunnola. sigh.

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