ant-like mentality

about a month ago, i went out for lunch with a friend (ep) who works for fes. we talked a bit about a variety of topics, and there was a point where i expressed how i felt about my talents and abilities.

me: i will never be able to do administrative work. i’d much rather get my hands dirty, do what’s needed to do, be right on the frontlines, and not have to care about red tape or big decisions or politics.

ep: in other words you’re the typical malaysian who only wants to do work, earn your money and not need to think about bigger issues, issit?

her response brought me down to earth. hard. i am becoming an ant. i’m moulded towards sticking to doing what i’m good at, what i’m comfortable with. i don’t want to have to make decisions and draft policies. i just want to exist, in mediocrity and nothing more. a worker, not a world-shaper.

what happened to saving the earth?

it made me pine for more. i’ve been in this country for too long and i’m going to remain here for many many years to come. too long. it’s much too long.

yet God has spoken. He’s got His reasons for ensuring i stay in this country. but how can i do my best if my mind is limited to what i see, hear, do on malaysian soil among fellow malaysians? sure i’ve had my 2 years in hk and 2 years in singapore, but has that done me any good other than make sure i can form grammatically correct sentences?

maybe it’s my own desires stirring up discontent in my heart. however, i just can’t stop thinking about ep said. sigh.

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