“now that it’s raining more than ever
know that we still have each other
you can stand under my umbrella“
– umbrella by rihanna
i awoke to the sound of rain this morning. the roads were jam packed with cars maneuvering carefully along the slippery highway. i have never seen such overcast skies in ages, never had to drive through a morning storm. i would have enjoyed it much more if this happened at a different season in my life.
i’ve been getting one of those days more and more often.
sometimes i wonder if this is actually a good time for me to throw up my arms and say enough is enough, i cannot go on any longer. i’m not getting paid for half the things i’m doing now and i’m not happy doing most of them either. the people are great, great at pretending that they are enjoying themselves, great at giving me pats on the back and encouragement every hour of the day. i should know…i’m great at doing that too.
you want to know what’s really driving me, why i can say “yes” so cheerfully to everything? it’s because i don’t want to have to spout fake excuses that will have to follow a “no” and be honest…that’s the only reason you’re being so obliging too.
don’t you dare try and make me feel guilty. spare me the lecture on doing things out of love. love, human love anyway, has its limits and i’ve reached mine.
yes yes draw from the well of God and i will never thirst, but face it…even the most righteous face their humanity in the darkest of times. even they can’t appreciate a fiercely beautiful morning rainstorm when they see nothing but despair in front of their eyes, when the shiny promise they hold tightly in their hands seems dismally small.
have you seen me cry? i only ever cry in the rain so i alone can hear the falling of my tears. it’s been raining every day now, hasn’t it?
so what is this then? am i just being whiny? lazy? or is this a real cry for a reprieve from all this madness?