i drove home the same way i left the house – tears streaming down my face and a prayer on my lips. the time in between was filled with laughter and long conversations and lots of cheering, but i drove home the same way i left the house.
this morning, i cried because i was exhausted. i could not imagine how i was going to make it through the day, how i could possibly offer anything at all to the people i was going to meet. i felt empty. but i dried my eyes and cleared my throat and he did not notice.
just now, my tears were tears of loneliness and disappointment. i was dismayed at the fact that i felt like an appendage, that i still let the negativity creep into my head. i could not believe that i had the ability to feel that way, especially not at this age, not now when i know better and have seen better. but i wiped my tears away and blew my nose a couple of times and she did not notice.
i hate that i am vulnerable to the outside world and to the things i have experienced in the past. it is no wonder that people wear masks and build walls around their hearts. with the onslaught of all that’s in this life, some protection is necessary. indifference is impenetrable armour. it will keep me safe.
but it’s impossible to be indifferent. i am the owner of a heart that is able to experience the full spectrum of emotions any human being should feel. it is that ability that makes us special, yet it is the very ability that makes me feel not very special at all.
i’m sorry, i’m just being very whiny tonight.