humility

how refreshing to know You don’t need me
how amazing to find that You want me
– from “in me” by casting crowns

i know all this stuff. i’ve read about it in “my utmost for His highest“, possibly one of the most brutal, tell-it-like-it-is daily devotion books out there. i’ve heard pc speak about it, and she’s one of the most transparent, straight-from-the-heart people i’ve met. i know all this. i’ve gotten past the stage of getting offended by the frank words of my leaders…

…but does that mean i have, instead, led myself to believe that i am a know-it-all, that i don’t need to keep my ears open to hear God? does that mean i have planted the seed of pride in my heart and allowed it to flourish?

when he spoke about humility, the extent of what he was saying didn’t hit me right away. i took notes, i nodded my head, all to acknowledging the knowledge that i have. yes, i agree that pride is not just boasting, but also in self-reliance. yes, i know that God resists the prayer of the proud. i said “amen” when he said that the more we depend on grace – the supernatural ability to overcome – the more supernatural favour there is in whatever little God has entrusted us to do. yet it did not sink in.

it was not until towards the end of the service, when i was about to think, “there isn’t anything here that i have not already heard of before” that an arrow went straight to my heart.

that’s pride right there and then, My child. you have become so self-righteous that you have forgotten how to be humble, how to love and not judge. knowledge will get you nowhere. don’t ever forget My words, keep your heart open to what I have to say, depend wholly and entirely on Me. how can you lead others then when your focus is no longer on Me, but in the teaching from your own understanding?

for everything he said that he asked whether it was offending or not, none of it hit me harder than that revelation at the end.

i am thankful for the soft landing back to earth instead of the crash that would have come if He didn’t speak to me so gently and with such mercy. i am humbled by the realisation that i am nothing without Him. who am i but a sinner on this earth? yet He has chosen to love me, use me, while asking nothing more of me other than to love Him and His people.

how refreshing to know You don’t need me, how amazing to find that You want me.

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