with or without me

i have never acknowledged this publicly and no one’s ever said it to my face, but deep down inside this seemingly confident, “popular” person, is a possessive friend. i can blame it on many things – rejection, gossip, slander – but the truth is i’ve believed for so long that i need someone else to complete me that it’s hard to let go of that habit, that belief, eventhough i don’t believe it anymore.

still, i find myself feeling left out alot of the time, alone in the crowd, resentful that others have cliques and pairs and i am left fluttering on the outside, a butterfly beating itself against the glass. my eyes flash green when they talk about things i know nothing about or they go to events i wasn’t even asked to.

it’s a habit, a horrible habit, one that i am so ashamed of that whenever the Holy Spirit brings it to my attention (“hey, look here, this needs to be addressed!“), i consciously push it away and hope it will never resurface again.

just yesterday, as i was pseudo-studying at edwina’s place, i came across a piece of paper on her desk. it was a note, written on a green post-it in red ink.

i decided to hold my friends tightly in my heart, but loosely in my expectations of them, allowing them space to grow and to change — with or without me.

a quick google brought me to the full story (may basket of flowers – and forgiveness by sue dunigan) and i almost choked.

the worst thing a friend could possibly do is become a weed that consumes you and does not allow you to grow into the person you are supposed to be. eventhough i wasn’t suffocating my friends in obvious ways, by harbouring that kind of resentment and jealousy, i was indirectly keeping them from becoming their own selves, instead moulding them into who i wanted them to be. just for me. exclusively.

sharon was right when she said that friendship is a one-to-one thing, not a one-to-two or a one-to-them relationship. it’s supposed to be edifying, not a feel-good atm for me to take from.

funny how, even at this age, the most important lessons still have to be learnt. better now than never. better less hearts broken than more.

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