against my will

i hope to lose myself for good, i hope to find it in the end
not in me, in You
it’s all i know
there’s always something getting through
it’s not me, it’s You.
– from “You” by switchfoot

the paper in front of me is still blank, probably because i’m still raging inside. i locked the door to my room and pretended not to hear their knocks, asking me to open up so he could retrieve some metal wires, so she could deliver a cup of tea.

i’ve reached for my bible time and time again today, in search of something, some sign, some word. i can feel God near me but He is kept away by my thoughts. still, i hear His voice coming through the congestion in my mind, pushing its way through.

i’m pushing my way through too because i don’t want to be left wandering and whining for too long. i’m not happy here, cordoned off against my will, separated from the One i love more than anyone or anything else.

there’s still nothing, nothing getting through. i know He will, eventually. but for now? there is just that blank piece of paper on my desk.

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