[ insert rant about boring life ]
last night, we plotted out a timeline of the highs and lows of our lives. i had no trouble marking the significant events that have left an impact on me over the last 22 years – disneyworld at 4, hk at 8, first fall from pride at 11, best friends forever at 14, biggest crush on a guy at 16, going through a tough jc2 with God, my grandma’s passing, the recent tension with my dad…
so i didn’t run away from home or almost die of asthma or endure an abusive relationship or cry through my parents’ divorce or overcome a financial crisis. so i didn’t have painful habits to break away from or issues with rebellion or major misunderstandings with my friends.
the kind of “drama” i went through had alot to do with situations that threatened to change the things i was used to. jc2 forced me to incorporate exercise into my life while avoiding the depths of low self-esteem i was slowly plunging into. my grandmother’s passing opened my eyes to the complexities of relationships and i had to change the way i dealt with my family. the current sudden restriction on my freedom is making me remodel my study habits, sacrifice even more time with my friends and making real the changes that will come with my father’s retirement.
i have come to realise why it is that i have never had to go through the kind of drama my friends have had to deal with. it’s not just because i am brought up to believe that learning from others’ mistakes is better than making my own. it’s also because God is gracious to know what i can and cannot handle.
judging from the way i’ve dealt with the other so-called crises in my life, it is clear that i don’t handle stressful situations very well, especially if i feel they’re unjustified, undeserved and totally out of my control.
i cried for days and pretty much had a mini breakdown in jc2, so much so that my parents – who have only called me 4 times during the 2 years i was in s’pore – made an unannounced visit to my college on the day of my prelims, just to find out what’s going on and probably to assure me that they care.
i literally screamed at my mother over the phone a couple of days ago because i was overcome by how unreasonable the ultimatum was. as a result, i went through the day feeling guilty and condemned and ashamed and angry and upset that i could have reacted in such a disgraceful manner.
perhaps i still have pride in my heart, that little bit that refuses to admit that i have to change instead of try to force the situation to turn in my favour. my trust is more on my ability to rationalise and analyse than on God’s will and plan, to the extent that i simply cannot humble myself and acknowledge that all i really have to do is follow His commandments and leave it all to Him.
my reaction to drama so cripples and kills my spirit that it can potentially render me useless. when my tenacity is built on a foundation of self-trust, it is not surprising then that any storm can bring me to my knees.
just yesterday, i complained to God about the fact that He has kept silent for the entire week, while i ranted and raved and wrote inappropriate blog posts and half-listened to unsolicited advice. i was being stubborn, refusing to hear from people but demanding that He talk to me during the time i spent alone with Him – a spoilt child running conditions by her Father.
i guess He was actually talking to me the whole time.