at the edge

before i went to sajc, my mother told me the story of her friend’s son who couldn’t handle the stress while in singapore, fell into depression and was so severely traumatised by the experience that he could no longer function as a normal person.

i remember thinking that i will not be that…weak, that i will be able to cope with the demands of jc life, and i did. in fact, i’ve survived quite well through med school so far – God has been amazingly merciful to me.

yet here i am, at 3:30am in my friend’s room at nus and i feel like i can’t deal with convo mag, the remaining bits of charity run, the hanging situation with my father, my studies…it’s all too much for me.

it’s too late to say, “i told you i couldn’t handle the post of editor, i protested when i was given the responsibility of heading sponsorships” because eventhough i did say all those things, i felt pressured into taking on those roles because i was so proud to think that i was…needed. like i had to do it because no one else would. like it would all fall apart if i had firmly said “no

it is my fault for getting into this predicament and i don’t see any way out of it. do i do what i do best and stick it out but be absolutely miserable and a mess? do i let myself remain a liablity? do i risk a breakdown?

i really do not know what to do. Lord, i don’t know what to do!

for the first time, i understand how my mother’s friend’s son could have lost his mind in a moment of stress. i feel so so close to the same thing that it scares me to death.

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