the thought

who do you love? me, or the thought of me?
– from “i don’t trust myself” by john mayer

it was a revelation that put me to shame. i thought i loved him, but really i was forcefully stuffing him into a container i had designed myself, to shape him into the idea of who i wanted him to be. it’s no wonder, then, that i was disappointed.

if i thought i had learnt my lesson then, i was wrong.

here i am a few years later, a little older but none the wiser.

perhaps the perfectionist in me is to blame. people would be easier to deal with if their personalities fit into the categories i have created for them, nicely shaped according to my ideas of who they are. things would be neat and tidy, just the way i like them to be.

however, i forgot to consider my flawed judgment. if they don’t fit into the spaces i have prepared for them, it has less to do with how “wrongly-shaped” they are and more to do with the badly-fitting mould i had imagined them to conform to.

i cannot change people, no matter how exasperating some of them may be. what i can do is change the way i respond to them, the manner in which i deal with their moods and attitudes. more importantly, i can change my own judgmental ways instead of grumbling about them not changing theirs.

this option actually gives me more freedom because it means no longer being tied down to the variable factor of “other people“. it takes breaking more pride in my heart, but hey if that’s what is required to stop getting all offended over the little sarcastic, insensitive things people say, then fine.

i would much rather live my life in peace.

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