truly You are

Jesus said to them, “they do not need to go away. you give them something to eat.” and they said to Him, “we have here only five loaves and two fish.” He said, “bring them here to Me.” then He commanded the multitudes to sit down on the grass. and He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, He blessed and broke and gave the loaves to the disciples; and the disciples gave to the multitudes. so they all ate and were filled.
matt14:16-20

he was right. Jesus first suggested the impossible – feed more than 5000 people. then He took whatever was little, but He didn’t just multiply it right away. He told them to sit down first; in a way, He was saying, “eh, relek la brudder. leave it to Me. just do what I say.” and then, He performed a miracle that stunned thousands at a time and amazed His disciples.

how could i have possibly relied on myself for so long, choosing to hoard the little i have instead of believing in the One who has, time and time again, reassured and proven that He will take care of things? it’s ridiculous that a God who has that much compassion and love could ever have to compete with a lifeless world and a selfish heart.

He didn’t just provide. He made them sit down, calm down, then He showed them who He is. it’s mind-blowing.

Jesus spoke to them, saying, “be of good cheer! it is I; do not be afraid.” and peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” so He said, “come.” and when peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.
matt14:27-29

when he spoke on this, i choked and disguised it as a cough. peter was the only one. what about the rest who were on the boat with him? for a moment, i felt what peter must have felt – complete, utter amazement and desire to experience the miracle for myself.

Lord, command me! a humble request, quaking with uncertainty, but a step of faith nonetheless. and the step itself! to go to Jesus! he walked, while the others watched.

my heart broke at the description of this scene. i am one of the crowd who stayed, watching on the boat, while peter took action because he longed to be in the midst of it all, as a participant and not just an audience.

sure, the people saw a miracle and were amazed. but he who took the step of faith, who asked Jesus to command him to walk on water? how much more did he learn about who Christ was? is? how much more was his life transformed? what kind of revelation did he receive? how much more abandoned to God’s cause was he after that?

i am struck again with awe at the wonder of my God. a compassionate provider who prepares and comforts. a miracle-worker who asks for nothing more than a step of faith. He doesn’t even ask for that faith to be unwavering and fearless; just faith that is child-like, trusting eventhough we shake in our shoes and doubt in our fickle minds.

it is these moments that i look back in shame at the excuses i have made everytime God has stretched out His hand and told me, “do not be afraid” and i have turned away because i saw nothing but sacrifice, hard times and my own inadequacies. i saw a ghost on the water. i saw the 5000.

i want so so badly to reach a point where i will sit down and obediently give out the bread to whoever He has multiplied it for, a point where i will stand up and walk towards Him in the most impossible of situations just because of the desire to be and not to observe. i want to reach that point because i don’t see where else i should be or ever would want to be.

He is just so incredible. it’s beyond what i can ever imagine. truly You are the son of God.

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