the giant

the giant keeps on telling me time and time again
‘boy, you’ll never win. you’ll never win.’
but the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says ‘do not be afraid’
the voice of truth says ‘this is for My glory’
out of all the voices calling out to me
i will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
– from voice of truth by casting crowns

i am being bombarded by a host of discouraging thoughts.

you don’t deserve a good grade for your finals. you’ve been too stubborn to try and study at home. you’ve spent too much time doing extra stuff. you’ve been sleeping more than you need to. you’ve gained so much weight in the last 6 months that it disgusts me. you’re fat and ugly. you’re stupid. you can’t even answer the past year questions. you couldn’t do a simple respiratory system physical examination. you mistook the sciatic nerve for the femoral nerve; they’re on opposite sides of the thigh, you idiot. you don’t even know the difference between the leukaemias. bet you can’t come up with differentials for vaginal discharge. you can’t even get up an hour earlier in the morning for a jog. you’re pathetic. you should forget about the next 7 days and just screw up your exam. you don’t even deserve the already-cheap title of being in the dean’s list. you lost your health issues notes, you dimwit. you probably can’t even ace the easiest cervical lymph node physical examination station. you’re worthless. the doctors in clinical school will roast you and have you for dinner. you don’t even deserve to be in their presence. you must be deluded to think you’d make it through. God will never help a whiny, self-pitying, lazy, stupid, ugly lump of fat like you. just look at your pathetic results this semester; exactly what kind of glory are you giving Him? you’re worthless and a horror to look at to boot. you’ll never win.

i believe in the voice of truth, but right now the giant is much too close for comfort, its words are hitting way below the belt. giving in to the lies seems like the better option. when i look in the mirror, when i look at the notes i haven’t don’t want to read, when i think about the clinical skills i haven’t practiced, the models and charts i haven’t looked at…i am reminded of what a filthy little whiny [insert expletive here] i am.

the voice of truth is awfully small at the moment. i’m giving it too little credit for what it’s really worth. it’s too small, too small for what i need it to be.

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