debilitating

i couldn’t even look you in the eye or smile at you. i couldn’t open my mouth to ask the question that’s been on my mind. i couldn’t offer to help you. all i could do was watch as you spoke to friends who were more approachable. you probably think i’m an arrogant twat. in the past i would have wondered what was wrong with you. now, i know it’s more a question of what’s wrong with me. it’s debilitating. i need to stop being so damn shy. but that’s not possible when what fills my mind now is how i’m inadequate in this or that area. i really wish i could talk to you, get to know you, lend you a hand, maybe even learn something from you. but i can’t. this kinda sucks.

on a brighter note, i did a couple of things i haven’t done in awhile. i had coffee by myself. i watched a perplexing foreign film. i browsed a book store. i tried on clothes i’ll never buy. there was no need to layan anyone, not for a couple of hours anyway. it was good. maybe it’s not the shyness that’s debilitating, but the pressure to not be shy. perhaps i am just an antisocial twit who will never work up the courage to do anything worthwhile, maybe i’ll just have to pay for it the rest of my life. i dunno. ok fine that still kinda sucks.

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