incomprehensible

yesterday, i arranged something for my juniors in the morning. it was cancelled a quarter into my journey there. in the afternoon, i arranged a little birthday outing for a friend in the early afternoon in anticipation of needing to pick people up, only to be told later that my services were not needed. last night, i mentally arranged to go to kl an hour earlier so i could make it for something else later in the afternoon. so i had a heavier breakfast this morning because i thought i’d have to miss lunch…and then my father suggested bak kut teh at 11am. tonight, i thought i’d be able to grab dinner with the family before i return to seremban. my friend just informed me that he’s leaving 2 hours earlier than usual, which means skipping dinner.

so yesterday i made a u-turn and went home. then i walked till my feet hurt in the mall. i decided not to go out for bak kut teh because i have to leave the house at 12 anyway. i don’t know how to even get to the place in kl and make it back to puchong in time. i’m considering whether to disappoint my mother and skip dinner tonight or worry my father by driving back alone later after dinner.

and in all that, the main thing i was thinking was how best to not let people down, how best to make them happy, to please them. perhaps the only wise thing i did was to cancel the session yesterday morning instead of going all the way for one person. i should have just gone for bak kut teh with the family instead of punishing myself for being stupid enough to have a heavy breakfast. i shouldn’t have said that i’d make it for the other appointment that i actually forgot about when it’s pretty clear that it’s not possible for me to please both parties. plus i wanted to stay a little longer in kl. i guess it’s unreasonable for me to think that i alone determine the happiness of my parents either. i’ll be home next week too.

but i can’t not think about all that. and above it all i am so disappointed with myself for being so incredibly ridiculously childish about it. i am in one of those i-wanna-withdraw-into-my-shell kind of moods. i just want to stay home and cry and not interact with people. if i had my way, i’d be sleeping today away. but it’s 1145am and i have to repair my shoes and drive to kl and drive back here and drive home and then drive back to seremban and endure my parents’ nagging, some righteous sharing and possibly small talk in between.

i am just so so fed up. i want to be selfish and childish. i don’t want to put my makeup on and smile. i don’t want to talk about this and then later feel guilty for being unreasonable and immature when someone else brings up family problems and work problems that dwarf my world.

can i have a moment to amplify my sorrows without feeling like a total twit about it? or am i not even entitled to that because i am such a wretch? maybe all i really do deserve is an existential life where i can write my own dramas. good grief i am such a whiny idiot.

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