i hate it when things don’t go according to plan, when i fail to foresee possible shortcomings, when i don’t take every single precaution to ensure that things go the way i’ve intended them to be. every time something fails me or someone disappoints me, i go through the cycle of frustration, anger and learned helplessness. it just makes me wanna be that little bit more apathetic. whatever. things are out of my control. i’ll be selfish and look after myself and not give two hoots about anyone else. after all, if i disappoint myself, i get to punish myself, i get to make mental notes to myself to not make the same mistake again. but i can’t do that to anyone else. i can’t make people learn and unlearn things. i can’t conjure up situations that never repeat themselves. so fine. whatever. WHAT-E-VER.
the only thing keeping me from building my own little selfish world and ignoring and cursing everyone else is the fact that i don’t believe in that. i happen to believe in hope and forgiveness and a bigger world and i don’t care how delusional people say i am or how unrealistic or ridiculously optimistic i may be.
but every once in awhile, it all wears thin and i want to scream and shout and hurl sarcastic comments and bang down walls and shake people’s shoulders and slap them and kick trees and pull plants up at their roots. and i wish that there was never a need to continually draw from His grace, that i can be spared from it all so that each and every episode doesn’t have to be a humbling experience but that it would all erase itself and that time would turn back so there’s a chance to undo every disappointment and every letdown.
i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it!!!