mixed tape

where are you now? as i rearrange the songs again
this mix could burn a hole in anyone
where are you now? as i’m cutting you through track by track
i swear to God this mix could sink the sun
but it was you i was thinking of

this is my mixed tape for her
it’s like i wrote every note with my own fingers
– from “mixed tape” by jack’s mannequin

back before ipods and mp3s, i had a mini compo equipped with the ability to record music off the radio. i bought blank tapes and waited eagerly for my favourite tracks to come on the air so i could record them and compile them into a mixed tape of songs for all occasions.

by the time digital music came around and the internet really took off, i had a stack of tapes that i’ve recorded, labeled carefully with coloured markers, and recorded over and relabeled. cassettes full of music by artistes whose names i can no longer remember.

but every song meant something at the time. i didn’t wait for the right songs for no reason. i had a personal top 10 list at the end of every month and they always, always depended heavily on my moods and what i was experiencing at the time.

tonight, a grey t-shirt got me thinking about you. it brought me back to a couple of years ago when a friend asked what songs remind me of him. i tried to put together a list of songs i would put on a mixed tape CD or playlist for you…but i found it almost impossible.

you’re a mood, an ever-flowing entity of emotions and tears. music will never label you. it’ll have to find you, mould itself around you. i could never find the right songs to remind me of you.

it’s rather distressing to think about how things are now and how they always will be. it’s even worse knowing that while beautiful music comes out from your fingers, i will never have the pleasure of compiling anything from my own hands for you. to burn a hole in you. for me.


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