downhill from here

i have come to realise that the difference is our system is probably the fact that students aim to please the tutors more than they search for a meaning in their work, and students do well because tutors are pleased with them, and here, people delve on a thing longer than they should and hence the feeling of jadedness and mindless reiteration.
– from “of being back” by huilian

i didn’t need to spend a semester in a gorgeous country in europe to realise there’s something wrong with how i’m brought up to think, to go through school and life.

before a seminar, we clamour to ask the lecturers what they want us to present. we ask about what kind of learning issues to discuss for task-based learning sessions (thus defeating the whole purpose of tbls!) and we lose sleep over our portfolios because we’re unsure of how to write them so our tutors wouldn’t wanna tear them up.

what keeps me up at night is the horror of realising that i am going through medical school, doing everything for the wrong reasons. i avoid mistakes, not because they’re mistakes that should never ever be made, but because i wanna avoid evoking the wrath of my lecturers.

it’s the wrong motivation, the wrong focus, the wrong EVERYTHING!

and the worst part is…it’s harder to fight it the longer i stay here.

the rehabilitation specialist was right. once you start compromising, the compromised state of mind becomes the norm and very soon you forget what it means to do things the way they should be done.

i am heading towards a compromised state and i am heading there fast.

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