ramble ramble

i wrote this over 4 years ago and damn does it still apply today.

what i really want to do with my life is write and be good enough at it to make it my means of living. damnit.

this is one of those “what the hell am i doing in medical school?!???!!!!111” moments that i get once in awhile, usually at the end of a long holiday where i’ve had time to indulge in the things i can’t indulge in due to academic commitments. i didn’t do any serious writing and my RM18 starbucks leather-bound journal which every yuppie under the malaysian sky has in their possession is left languishing in a corner of my room after i’d promised to write half a page each day or every other day.

which actually means i’ve just wasted my time and most of my life doing things that i am sorta interested in and that give me transient joy but not really doing the one thing that i love enough to never stop doing.

a senior of mine sent me a letter yesterday. in it, she explained that she closed down her blog because she wanted to take writing seriously, and blogging was to serious writing as scrap material is to the finest silk. bearable, but mediocre. damnit damnit damnit.

anyway, i am heading back to the grind tonight. i’m not looking forward to it, especially since i have to make new decisions this semester yet again. another reshuffling in the ministries i’m involved in. revisiting of old postings. i’ve spent 2 months in isolation away from my colleagues and i’m beginning to doubt the impact of whatever influence i may have on the people i spend most time with. i don’t know them, they don’t know me, they probably just know i’m some christian girl who blogs and goes home every weekend and usually cooks instead of socialise over dinner – i’m sorry, i’m saving money, i love experimenting with food and i can’t catch up with your ridiculously rapid firing mandarin no matter how much i think you’re all wonderful people – and is friendly but never really approachable.

sigh.

damnit. i am going out and getting a pair of shoes today.

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