control

the one thing i can’t relinquish?

control over my future.

i can’t stand the thought of not knowing where i’ll be 10 years from now. i can’t bear the notion of surrendering it all to God. i want to point my life in the exact direction i want to go and have things be smooth-sailing the whole way.

of course, the fact that i don’t know which direction i want to go complicates things. messes my mind up. makes me frustrated. develops learned helplessness. bitterness. anger. uncertainty.

it’s got to be either complete control or no control at all. since i can’t have complete control because, well, no one can, the only other option is to have no control. do a carrie underwood and say “Jesus, take the wheel“.

but it scares me.

ps mark geppet said last night that there are really only two ways to pray: “help!” and “Lord, do you see what’s going on?!

my prayers encompass both.

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