wanted to

i wanted to apologise today.

i wanted to tell you that i now realise just how legalistic i have been – never cutting you any slack for missing cell group and hounding you whenever you don’t come for service. i was wrong for putting on a fake smile while asking why you weren’t serving in any ministries in a tone of voice laced with judgement. i wanted to say sorry for being legalistic, for expecting you to adhere to my standards, eventhough you and i both know that neither of us are as holy as the standards of the One who really matters.

i have subconsciously set up a points system in my head that counts how good a christian i am by how consistent my church attendance is and whether i serve in a ministry, in cf, or volunteer for stuff. worse, i have unfairly projected that points system onto you. i am sorry for that.

i should have asked if your relationship with God is alright rather than ask about religious practices. this isn’t a religion bound by traditions, ceremonies, unwilling obligations and hypocritical service. i apologise if i have made it come across as if it were.

i wanted to do that over dinner, somewhere nearby with decent food that costs a decent amount of money.

and i wanted to ask for your forgiveness.

of course, all that isn’t going to happen. no, not now that there is rain and offence and guests and logistics in the way. it’s a pity, because i really wanted to, and now i’m not sure if there will ever be a chance to.

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