till 2020

i am driving eighty-five in the kind of morning
that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
four more exits to my apartment
but i am tempted to keep the car and drive
and leave it all behind
’cause i wonder sometimes about the outcome
of this still verdictless life
am i living it right?
– from “why georgia” by john mayer

the drive back to seremban this morning was especially torturous.

as i told a friend on thursday night, it’s been a long time since i’ve had a long weekend with nothing to do – no reports, no (immediate) exams to study for, no study groups that stretch till 11pm. nothing. even he could see the spring in my step as we headed out for a quick catch-up session and i was still grinning by the time i reached home at midnight.

christmas passed rather peacefully, in contrast to previous years which were accented with screaming matches over the dining table or unpleasant exchanges at breakfast. there were no tears. instead, i went for a pleasant christmas service, had a pleasant christmas lunch out, drank overpriced coffee at tea, took a walk with my parents and went to bed after a couple of episodes of “american dad!“.

boxing day was spent with my sister and cousin in the wonderful company of sherlock and john, some not-very-good sushi and it ended with me lost in the pages of misery, the first full-length stephen king horror classic i’ve read since…goodness knows when. it reminded me of why i stuck to rereads of “the green mile“. thank God i didn’t get nightmares!

sunday saw me doing some last-minute birthday present shopping, taking pleasure in making my signature magazine ad gift wrapping. i shared a roti tissue with some friends met through the magic of social networking before heading out for a dinner with the maternal side of the family. it was good to see my cousins from singapore and watch my niece delight herself in the company of (finally!) kids her age, but we had to make an early exit because of the long drive back to seremban that awaited me in the morning.

which brings me to this morning, and the desperate desire to turn off and stop on the emergency lane to either cry my eyes out or hyperventilate into a paper bag to mourn the loss of a weekend that i will never reclaim. there was another part of me that wanted to keep driving past the port dickson exit, onwards to melaka or johor bahru or maybe even singapore.

just anywhere but here.

yeah it’s one of those emo moments that are horribly self-indulgent and stupid, but this need to escape drives me through each week, each weekend, each rotation, exam. ironically, it’s driving me towards a career that has no escape. not for the next 10 years, at least.

looks like i’m stuck in the car till 2020.

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