all i feel is alone
it might be a quarter-life crisis
or just a stirring in my soul
either way i wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of this still verdict-less life
am i living it right?
– from “why georgia” by john mayer
put up with my whining read this blog long enough, you’d have realised that i like quoting songs and that there are certain songs that i quote more than others. one would be “mixed tape” by jack’s mannequin, which i love because it expresses exactly how i feel about music, the people i care about, and the songs that remind me of them or evoke certain memories of them.
i’ve just spent the weekend with friends of various stages of our lives. most of us have started drawing salaries, while the rest of us are on the verge of doing so. but all of us have grappled with self-doubt, fear of the unknown future, and a deep sense of loneliness that makes its appearance when we least expect it. all this in the last one or two years, during the transition between being students and adults with bills to pay, relationships to build…on top of the realisation that our parents are ageing and it won’t be long before we’ll be on our own, taking on roles that do not come with instruction manuals.
there is that panic of maybe this isn’t what i’m meant to do. what if i’m stuck in this job for the rest of my life? should i take a leap of faith and move to a different continent? what if one day the things of the world do not satisfy me anymore? maybe i’ll lose myself. maybe i’ve already lost myself. will i be going through all this alone? i’m 25 and i’m pressured to find a life partner. half of me wants to live a carefree life as a single person but the other half longs for companionship. what if he’s the one and i’ve missed the boat? what if the time i’ve already spent with her turns out to be a waste in 2 or 3 years?
it’s not difficult to see why i like what 23-year-old john mayer wrote in “why georgia”. those long drives i take between seremban and kl, batu pahat and kl, and (most recently) batu pahat and johor bahru give me alot of time to think and pray and wonder what the hell is going on? why, God, why? what am i doing here?
anyway it was a weekend of happy coincidences and awkward overdressed moments (ok that was just me) and startling revelations that the average rat in the race has money and status but nothing much else. perhaps if one took a closer look, it was also a weekend of unintentional confessions over drinks and fancy chinese food, moments of vulnerability cloaked in self-assurance. i don’t know.
but i do know the question on all our lips was: “am i living it right?”
emo-ness aside, i had a pretty great weekend. johor bahru is your run-of-the-mill traffic-jammed town with almost zero culture, but i welcomed the civilisation and the familiar sight of many 7-11s and drive-thru mickey dees. the people i met up with were awesome (i hate you barney stinson for altering my vocabulary forever!) beyond words and i was just completely blessed by their presence. “chicago: the musical” itself was entertaining but not mind-blowingly so. i enjoyed it all the same.
right now i am completely knackered and seriously contemplating going straight to sleep after a shower and a quick prayer that liverpool will give chelsea a run for their money. hmm. as if i don’t have heavier things to think about.