maybe it’s because i’m still pissed off, but i don’t think i can go through the rest of the day without blogging, without getting stuff off my chest.
so i went to a wedding today. it was very nice and all and i was happy because it’s probably the first real friends’ wedding i went to…you know, friends who are about my age and share a large group of mutual friends. it’s different from a relative’s wedding…i don’t know how to describe it. it’s just different.
anyway, obviously everyone asks everyone else “when’s your turn?” and my standard answer to that question is “when someone wants me.”
i’ve stopped wondering why i’m still single partly because i prolly wouldn’t like the answer to that, but mainly because it’s come to a point where i don’t think i need anyone to complete me. i am fine on my own. i may feel completely utterly lonely sometimes – especially when a great song like paramore’s “the only exception” is playing on the radio or i relapse and watch a romantic comedy – but when i think about my upcoming solo trip to the united kingdom and the time i went to melbourne alone and the many many weekends i’ve spent in singapore visiting museums and taking photos on my own…it doesn’t seem all that bad.
it’s not so much companionship that i sometimes crave. it’s the feeling that of being wanted…hence the answer above. but if i’m not wanted, if someone doesn’t need me, if i am not a requirement in some guy’s (preferably tall, bespectacled and kind) life, then fine. whatever.
i tried envisioning my own wedding while i was weaving my way through traffic on my way home just now. compared to the last times i’ve ever done that, the vision just isn’t clear anymore. the flowers have faded, the dress has dissolved into a mass of white. and the groom? he has no face, no personality. he isn’t even tall, bespectacled and kind. he’s a humanoid clad in monotones, something i have zero emotional attachment to.
and i thought maybe, just maybe, i am meant to go through this life alone. not devoid of any human contact of course, just not shared with a particular person with whom i have signed a legal document and is obligated to have offspring with.
does this mean i am happy? i don’t think happy is the word. content seems more appropriate because it gives an impression that it is something that has to be worked for, earned. and that’s what this is – it is a feeling i think i have earned. i am 25 and contented.