damnit

i need to be honest. i’m not happy here. i hate the house i’ve rented, i hate the handy man that’s supposed to come fix stuff for me and my housemates, i hate that i decided to live there, and i hate that i can’t tell my parents about it without them going all “i told you so” about it.

i hate that my housemates don’t see the house as a home. i hate that i will be the only one who will try and make the place a nice place to live. i hate that the fridge doesn’t work. i hate that we’re so busy we won’t be able to see each other much. i hate that neither one of them will go for drinks with me.

i hate that we’re all in different postings. i hate that it’s difficult for me to make friends. i hate that i’m shy around people who talk alot or have nice smiles. i hate that i seem to be the only single person around.

i hate that i haven’t been able to present that many cases because i don’t push forward ahead of the pack of doctors that do rounds every day. i hate it.

i hate all the poor decisions i’ve made, the times i haven’t stepped up or said something or put my foot down. i hate who i am.

it’s actually been a pretty good night but when it’s midnight after a long day and i’m alone and my hormones are all screwed up, i can’t help but just hate everything.

sorry for whining. i feel entitled to this, especially since we keep being told not to complain about our work.

i chose to be a doctor, but i didn’t choose to be an unhappy one. i know that how things turn out depends alot on how i handle them, but man. i feel like everything that’s gone wrong was my fault and that i’m being punished for it.

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4 responses to “damnit

  1. heh…’it’ has already gotten to you, haven’t ‘it’? ‘It’ being the situation – ‘it’ has made you guilty and blame yourself for everything; and why not, since everyone starting out think they have a handle on everything and all is within their planning and control. Can the latter be correct?

    You have named all the things to be resolved – naming them is step no. 1. Now work out the solutions to each eg get a new fridge, and that’s the easy one.

  2. more like i’m getting depressed at the realisation that there will only be one weekend in an entire month where i don’t have to be at work by 7 without using up my annual leave.

  3. Why are you staying with housemates?

    I always think that full-grown adults need privacy and space to do things they cannot do in a house filled with ‘strangers’.

    Unless of course you work in KL and a house costs RM1000 to rent, but otherwise in a smaller town, I recommend staying alone, you will feel much happier.

  4. and what would that be?

    i’d just rather not stay alone. it’s nice to have the option of talking to someone in person when you feel like it.

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