there’s this moment in a car accident when the vehicles first make contact and the initial impact transmits itself through the driver, every organ, every bone. it sends countless signals through a million nerves, stimulating the senses, like a drug. it tells you you’re alive but also that you may, within the next couple of seconds, be dead.
but for a brief moment, it reminds you that you’re alive.
it’s always during my worst of times that the thought of accidentally swerving into the path of an oncoming car has crossed my mind. just to experience that split second rush of adrenaline that i’ve felt before in the times i’ve been hit by a car, or hit a car, or a pillar or two. i remember that once or twice i’ve felt…disappointed that it lasted for such short a time.
getting out of the car, examining the damage and exchanging numbers; the aftermath sucks the life right back out again.
or maybe it was reality.
when i drove home today, i encountered the usual bunch of ipoh-ians who can’t find their way around a roundabout (despite living in a city scattered with the damned circular things). a car suddenly exited to the left, effectively cutting straight through my path and i almost, almost wished we’d collided.
after a tough day at work where i’ve considered crying tears of fatigue and frustration, i wished i felt that jolt just so i could remember that i’m not a useless mbbs holder who studied 5 years to be a nurse, despatcher, secretary, punching bag.
and the thought of serious injury didn’t scare me as much as the thought of having to go back to work again tonight, just to wait till 11 so my medical officer could leave a souvenir in my notebook as evidence that i had died a little more by working 14 6am-to-11pm days in a row.
i’m not complaining. i just feel like a waste of space. like i’m only worth a signature at the end of the night and nothing else.