my father has given me many things. a good upbringing, a sense of security, all my basic needs (and more) and best of all, a role model in my life.
i take it as a compliment whenever people say that i’m a lot like my father – that i’m intelligent, have the ability to see the big picture, that i am a perfectionist (almost to a fault) – but if there’s one thing i wish i never inherited from him, it would be my fiery temper.
my temper was a lot shorter many years ago. i remember getting extremely angry at my friends in school in an extremely short time for something so insignificant that i have no recollection of what it was. but i remember the way i burned inside, the flash in my eyes, the sting in my words. most of all, i remember the deep regret in the instant right after i said those things to them, the weight of my heart as it dropped to the floor.
thankfully those episodes have become far and few, especially after i decided to follow a God who preached patience and forgiveness…even when he had insults and blows thrown upon him. i rely on Him whenever i feel the fire rising within me and i stop myself from saying anything i might regret, from allowing my temper control me. and He’s never forsaken me…except when i’ve lost my focus on Him.
it’s been awhile, but i lost my temper today. like things always go, it was a culmination of everything that’s happened in the past days, weeks, hours. i had a tough time giving my full attention to everything i’ve had to do last week and still find space to breathe. phone call after phone call, request after request, changes, angry bosses (both big and small), irresponsible people, not enough time…it was mentally draining.
then i get yet another phone call today, at the end of a long day, right after the millionth request to change this or do that…and i lost it.
and there it was, the ol’ sinking of the heart, this time with tears burning their way through my eyes, threatening to fall inappropriately in front of my friends, colleagues. regardless of the context of whatever evoked that reaction, the mere fact that i lost my temper made me the lesser person.
i feel like a failure, a disappointment to God. i don’t deserve a shred of mercy.
and tomorrow’s another day.