never going back

too many people have told me how much they miss school despite the uniforms, rules, the standardised exams.

i was awkward back then, eventhough some acquaintances whom i bumped into in the last couple of years mentioned that i was deemed “popular” in school. it didn’t matter to me that i was in a position of (false) authority or that my friends topped the school academically. i felt like i was known for all the wrong reasons – for confiscating correction fluids and mobile phones, for having a butch haircut, for being “the fat one” in my social circle.

alot of my problems had to do with being too immature to accept that a high school guy with a girlfriend is never going to be interested in anyone other than his girlfriend at the time, that i will never be a size 6, that attitude comes before aptitude, that i have the right to do what i am interested in and not what is expected of me.

it’s been almost 10 years since i’ve left secondary school. college was great and my time as an undergraduate has got to be the most humbling time of my life, but as much as i complain about being a doctor, the truth is i like what i’m doing now. i don’t love it, and there’s a possibility i never will, but i like it compared to being in school.

it’s not the financial independence – i think i am still quite reckless with my money – and i sometimes feel like i’m fulfilling someone else’s expectations of me, but i just…i just like this stage of my life.

there is not a shred within me that wants to go back to being a teenager. it was that immature 17-year-old who made the two biggest mistakes life-changing decisions that i now have to face the consequences of and it is that same teenager who resurfaces whenever i am at my worst.

no, i don’t ever wanna go back to the way things were in high school.


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