the last time i felt proud of myself was when i successfully poached an egg.
i did it alone, in my kitchen, with techniques i learned from watching youtube videos. no one praised me. no one gave me any encouragement. but i was truly happy with myself and i ate my dinner with relish.
i’m not sure what that means. i’m not proud of being a doctor and i don’t think that the work i do is anything extraordinary. when i do something well and someone says something nice to me, i feel glad for awhile but my smile is far from genuine or sincere. it’s an expected social reaction to the situation, that’s it. i am often left feeling more embarrassed than anything else.
what does this say about me? that i am incapable of sharing? that my motivation is purely from within? it doesn’t bode well, not for someone who has high expectations for herself. i was surprised i managed to wrap the egg white around the yolk and that the finished product looked great on my plate of spaghetti – surprised and proud that i accomplished something i thought i wouldn’t be able to. it is just like me to doubt myself before even trying.
today i failed at my second attempt at making poached eggs. i totally buckled under the pressure of impressing my friends. i know other people will never have the same expectations i have for myself. they will never demand as much out of me than i do out of myself. and yet i find it even more difficult to perform for others. i’m not good enough to be shared.
so imagine how i did for my viva yesterday. 6 specialists to impress. zero confidence about myself. it was as much a disaster as my pot of acidified egg white swirls was today.