it’s still a no

a good friend of mine is a veteran of online dating. he’s met them all – the creepy ones, the suprisingly decent ones, the ones who are looking for nothing more than a good time, the ones that lied on their profiles. we’ve talked about it over the years and each time i’ve decided that it’s just not for me.

my reasons are simple:
1. i’m not desperately lonely.
2. i don’t deal with rejection very well.
3. i’m horribly judgemental myself.

it’s not about having a hand to hold or the lovey dovey feeling or wanting to be wanted. if i were 17, maybe, but i’m a 27-year-old  doctor and i have established an identity for myself. i don’t need a jerry maguire to complete me or have me at hello. my life is big enough to be shared…that’s all.

but recent developments have forced me to rethink a couple of things, including online dating. when a colleague not-so-subtly suggested i give the internet a go, i found myself thinking that maybe i’ve been too closed-minded about the whole thing. my old friend once again acknowledged that yes, it may be an act of desperation, but it could also just be a way to meet new people.

however, point number 2 in the list above won’t stop bugging me. resorting to online dating would be equivalent to saying that getting rejected by strangers who think i’m fat/ugly isn’t going to hurt as much as being rejected by friends who think my personality isn’t enough. i thought of all the times i’ve had “you’re a great girl”  and its hidden post-script “but not great enough for me” sent to me in a text or instant message and i knew that i am not strong enough.

if i wanted to meet new people, i could move to a new town, go to a new church, maybe serve in a ministry there, volunteer at a soup kitchen, read at a different cafe every weekend, work in a new hospital, drink at a bar alone, travel.

i don’t have the courage to put myself out there, have my confidence ripped apart regularly and then build up my hope again and again. there is a huge possibility that my life is meant to be shared with a dog (or two), and that would be enough. i should really get started on accepting that.

sorry for the endless self-indulgent posts of late. growing older does that to you. happy belated birthday to me.

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