“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.”
– Psalm 27:14
one of the hardest things to do is to wait. it’s even worse when you realise that to wait, in the biblical sense, is also to hope and have faith and be secure in the nature of God.
to be honest, i have no doubt of God’s love and that His plans are always for the best. i am sure of who He is, that He does not contradict Himself, that He is everything described in the bible.
what i do have a problem with is God’s timing.
i have very little patience. it’s apt that the King James bible translates patience to “long-suffering” because i suffer whenever i have to wait. it’s my father’s legacy to me and i have no choice but to accept it as a major flaw in my personality. that, coupled with my inability to be late without feeling guilty has resulted in many moments of anger and frustration. in recent years, i’ve resorted to showing up late as well but all i’ve accomplished is to be less late than everyone else.
anyway, waiting is difficult. staying optimistic while waiting is even harder. it’s exhausting. i’ve coped by having less and less hope about things i want badly – the relationship that never happens, the passion for a job that i hate more and more each day, the revelation my parents can’t seem to have.
i just never realised that my faith has been diminishing with that loss of hope. sure, i know who my God is and i am secure in it, but here i am, subconsciously believing more and more that what He thinks is best is for me to not have the desires of my heart. that waiting on Him is only to wait for His second coming, and to stop believing in His promises.
that my fate is to be happy not with what i have, but by accepting that God doesn’t want me to have what i want. that i should stop asking. that it’s ungrateful for me to want it.
it’s a slow rejection of God and i didn’t see it until today. i didn’t see it until today. i’m just glad God made me see it today.
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
– Psalm 37:4