confession

i couldn’t believe it. she basically admitted that she purposely wanted to hurt me, that she did it out of spite.

i understood why she did it. i was rude to her. i was tired, frustrated and in no mood to entertain a middle-aged woman who was nagging me one moment, then bitching about me the next. it was my mistake for getting pissed off at her tone, annoyed at her childish manner which was so unbecoming of a woman her age. i should have let the anger and annoyance brew inside me instead of venting to my peers within earshot of hers.

it doesn’t justify her actions, of course, but i am only in control of my own reactions to situations that come my way. it’s a bitter pill to swallow and the damage is done. i’ll just have to deal with the repercussions.

turning the other cheek has always been difficult for me. it is one of Jesus’ teachings that i have trouble applying. ask any of my colleagues and you’ll know that i tend to be less forgiving towards those who have no sense of urgency or ability to prioritise, two qualities that are absolutely necessary in order to function in the medical profession. add a lack of remorse and you have a terrible combination that i, thankfully, don’t see very often but am seeing in an increasing frequency.

she was apathetic, not helpful, and complaining openly about the amount of work to be done as if it were her first day in a busy, fully operational outpatient clinic. again, it doesn’t justify the way i dealt with her, but if she wanted to hurt me, she did.

i am tempted to sit in her room again and tell her that i like sitting in that chair and doing work at that desk and i have no problem working with her and that if she has a problem working with me, then she should reevaluate her level of professionalism. it wouldn’t be to patch things up – from the way she spoke to me this morning, she’s not going to forgive me eventhough she’s fasting out of supposed righteousness right now – but to drive home the point that i am not about to let a personal vendetta stop me from doing my job.

it’s bad, i know, because it’s meant to shame her. which is why i’ll probably choose to swallow my pride and slink over to the room next door.

my heart still needs major renovations.

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