a few days ago, i was wracked with the guilt of not praying and fasting and seeking God before i made 3 major decisions in my life – to pursue surgery, to attempt a professional exam, to transfer out of ipoh. it wasn’t so much a legalistic this-is-what-christians-should-do feeling as it was being seized by the grief of the Holy Spirit. i was unable to sleep, i had no peace, and i knew it was more than being unprepared for the exam itself.

but an old friend reminded me that while it’s true God wants us to seek Him first, He is also the Prince of Peace and i can go to Him for rest. it was a relief, a comfort, especially in the moments before and during the exam. i just did what i could and left the exam hall feeling like all is not in vain.

today’s my first proper day back at work. after a long morning in the clinic, i had a late lunch, came home and collapsed on the bed. it was strange to not have to do a couple of questions or read a few more chapters before i had time to myself. i contemplated going for a run but thought better (worse?) of it and decided to rest.

and it came to me, that oft-quoted verse in romans 8:28

…and we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

i’m going to fail this attempt. i don’t say that in an unfaithful manner or in a way that doubts God; i say it because i don’t deserve to pass. not from the way i prepared for it. i wouldn’t want a surgeon who passes a paper the way i pass this one, if i do pass, which i won’t.

but it has worked for good. through this attempt, i had confirmation that this is what i am meant to do, what i should pursue no matter what. it has built up my interest in surgery a little more, maybe even made me a little more positive about actually continuing a career in medicine. i feel like i can do this, that i can do it in any hospital the ministry assigns me to. He has turned my guilt into good and i am amazed at how He works.

all praises to God, no matter the outcome. He is indeed faithful.


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