proof

don’t say a word, just come over and lie here with me
’cause i’m just about to set fire to everything i see
i want you so bad i’ll go back on the things i believe
there, i just said it. scared you’d forget about me
– “edge of desire” by john mayer

there are certain things we don’t ever want challenged. like faith in a God that cannot be seen, or the love of a mother for her child. the truth that the earth will still have oxygen for humans to breathe long after our own last breath. why would people want to challenge those things? they exist, and to argue otherwise would be a complete waste of time. there are no immediate implications. in my language, it wouldn’t change the management or the ultimate outcome.

but i want some of my beliefs challenged. like the belief that i cannot trust anyone, that no one is reliable. that no one will ever go the extra mile if there’s nothing in it for them. the belief that no one will want to fight for me. that my secrets are safe only with me. that i’ll be pitied and looked down upon if i showed any form of weakness or emotion. that there is no potential for me to get better at this job. that all politicians are liars. that i will have no future in this country. that no one is sincere.

maybe i’ve been blind to my blessings. perhaps those selfish, skeptical, pessimistic things i hold onto have been broken time and again and my sorry self has decided to stay focused on them anyway. or i don’t think i’m deserving of happiness or any of that new age crap.

i’m not a psychologist. i already analyse things too much for someone who isn’t a psychologist.

but i just need proof that my beliefs are wrong. something tangible, that i can see and hold and feel and have it driven into my mind forever that yes, it’s worth hoping for more than this.

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