it’s been a long time since i’ve felt the need to unload my thoughts and feelings here on this blog in the hopes to garner sympathy and interaction with the 5 people who still check on me once in awhile.
this is because months of putting myself out there, making an effort to meet new people, try new things, get out of my comfort zone of surfing the net and watching movies with “gang” during my free time has paid off – after 28 years of overcoming self-esteem issues and coming to grips with my deficiencies and acknowledging that only God can give me the capacity to love and accept people without expecting anything in return, after facing the very real possibility that i will go through life without a partner, God decides to bless me with someone who loves me and is there to listen to me say the things i used to put into writing.
it’s a strange experience, mostly because i reached a point where i was content with being single and willing to “rent” that extra space i saved for someone special to anyone else who needs it, in addition to whatever room i’ve already set aside for them. it’s a learning process because i now have another major priority in my life, one that i’ve never had to make a priority before. it was a point of contention between us and i had to work hard to remember that he’s more important than certain things and people i’ve included in my life to fill up that space i mentioned earlier before i met him.
i’m grateful that he understands there are certain things i do not compromise and he respects my beliefs even if he doesn’t share them. i do my best to do the same.
perhaps the greatest lesson i’ve learned from these 2 months is that i’ve been more selfish than i’d like to believe and that it’s stemmed from the acceptance that i’m destined to live my life for myself; that the service i provide is, in the end, a means to validate my choices in career and friendships and nothing more. it’s made me repent again for thinking i’m doing it to glorify God while in reality my intentions have been corrupted to be self-serving instead.
and when there’s someone else in my life, someone who considers me an important part of his world, the motivations that shape my actions need to change and i should question the motivations that have driven me before as well.
it’s ironic that falling in love with someone without a so-called socially acceptable belief system has made me believe and rely on God even more. it goes beyond the hope that he will one day know Christ the way i do or the need for guidance on how to bring the relationship forward .
it’s shaken me out of a rut and challenged me more than i’ve ever been challenged before – to stick to something i believe in, to encourage and love someone i believe in, to understand that i don’t live for myself anymore…and it all requires a strength and courage that comes from a God who has overcome death.